3 June 2018

Satisfyer Men


Today I'm going to be looking at a product which I really didn't want to review, because frankly it just doesn't work for me at all. Never one to renege on my obligations, however, here we go, so enjoy the ride!

Late last year Satisfyer announced a teaser of their all new Satisfyer designed specifically for men, putting out a call for reviewers, to which I naturally responded. Satisfyer are known for their range of unique toys for women which use pressure waves to indirectly stimulate the genitals, and the Internet seems to be quite a fan of them, so when a male version was announced I was rather excited. Then Christmas came and went, and New Year, and even Easter, and by that time I'd started to give up on the idea of this product ever materialising, but then at long last a package from Satisfyer showed up, and I was, well, underwhelmed...

It transpired that the long-awaited Satisfyer Men is in fact nothing more than a masturbator, another Fleshlight clone in a marketplace already saturated with them, and so immediately I felt deflated. "I've waited all this time for this?" I asked myself in a moment of exasperation, but I was willing to give it a fair chance. Some weather-beaten Italian man on the box, whom I've never heard of - Rocco's Modern Life or something - proudly declares that after 5,000 women, this was his best orgasm, so surely it must be up to something, right, right?

The Satisfyer Men does actually have quite a sleek design, with a tapered black and blue outer case. It's certainly more appealing than the standard Fleshlight cases, though maybe not the Flights. It follows the standard Fleshlight design of a solid plastic case, an adjustable base cap, and a removable soft insert which can be replaced by other textures (solid separately). One place where the design does differ though, is that the casing comes in two parts. There's the outer shell, and then an internal plastic collar which houses a clever little mechanism. Squeezing the outer case activates a pump inside the collar, which in turn inflates 4 small airbags on the internal surface of the collar, with the idea being that you can adjust the tightness to your exact preference. If you go too far there's a release button which immediately lets all the air back out again. 

And here we come to the absolute stupidity of the design. Someone obviously decided that in order for the squeezing action to function, the material of the sleeve all needed to sit flush up against the surface of the internal collar. Now let's compare this to a Fleshjack, which has vertical ribs around the outside of the sleeve, leaving a lot of empty space inside the case. This isn't just them being cheap with material, it's an important design feature, because when a penis enters the sleeve the sleeve must expand in response, and it needs this space to expand into. Can you see where I'm going with this? 

The first time I used the Satisfyer Men was an incredibly frustrating experience; the tip of my penis happily went through the opening of the toy, I felt a little bit of the texture and it was nice, and then suddenly I felt this incredible resistance. Right at the point where the internal collar is located, and where the sleeve also happens to narrow (genius design choice there) my penis just stopped. I pushed and I pushed, figuring there must be a way to get through, and then as the pressure became too uncomfortable and I could start to see the base of my shaft buckling under it, I finally gave up and let out an expletive. "I can't get my f*%king dick in this thing!" was the exclamation heard around the world, or rather just my house because I then took to Twitter to politely express my difficulty, not wishing to offend anyone. 

So unfortunately that's as far as I can really take this review. I'd love to be able to express how the texture feels during long stroking sessions, or how the added tightness changes the experience when it's pumped up, but when you can't even manage to get half of your penis inside a toy there's not really much to be said. Maybe it's great for those on the less girthy side, but if you're thick then it's a nightmare. For the record I'm 5 1/2" at the widest point, and just guessing I'd say that you need to be at least under 5" to make this thing work. 

My final thoughts on the product are that I do actually quite like the concept, and I appreciate that Satisfyer sent me one to review, but the product itself, in its current form, I loathe. I can't understand the logic of making a toy so unusably tight in the first place, and then having a mechanism to make it even narrower. Did they not actually test it on real people before releasing it to the marketplace? It makes my mind boggle. My only advice is that you should avoid it if you have anything around an above average girth, because it will not work, and for that reason I really can't recommend it. 

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